coast~

Been in this spot

How many times

Life spinning

Round the clock

Here we go

Another ride

Another place

Disappointed

Another disgrace

Heart is heavy

Lungs deflated

Everything anticipated

Soft lips

Clenched jaw

Worried faces

Pain in stomach

Empty spaces

Eyelids close

Remembering much

Aching for your loving touch

Passion

Drive

Whirlwinds

Surprise

This reflection

I despise

“….Hello?...........Hello?......”
I’ve sat in a meditative state for hours allowing you to say whatever need be said to the "adult me" and to the child within. I'm open to hearing even the harsh truths. I’ve wondered what it’s like to stand next to you as grown daughter alongside grown mother~
Woman to woman!
I sing often and on rare occasions I believe I’ve felt your smile. 
I whisper to you (nearly) daily.
I’ve closed my eyes so tightly and sat for so long that my sit bones ache.
My sons have sent you messages with balloons; I hope you have each one because I’ve told them it’s how you’ll greet them. It’s been nearly 20 years since you’ve passed on… it took me touching your frozen hand to know that you were really “gone” It’s a feeling I’ll never forget. When one needs guidance women often turn to their mother….
Today I turn to you
Without a compass
Without an idea of where you are
“……hello??..........hello?...” .....

Play with words~

whirlwind

procrastination

arbitrary

whim

pseudo

impulse

fragile

deficit

passion

racing

torture

indecision

choices

life

discriminate

arrogance

disorder

benevolence

time

compulsion

attention

pessimistic

one

two

three

four

and

more....

Fly or Fall. Fall or Fly~

wishing air was beating life into flight

on tattered wings of the lil black bird

grayer skies, little direction,

so much desire, so little affection.

heart on lifted wings of hope

all the emotions built up in smoke

lil black bird don't go there

it is more than heart can bare

can't pretend smoke won't kill

concrete heart won't ever heal

let it beat

let it fight

let it open up tonight

one must open eyes to see

the beauty that life can be.

Pavement~

blank stares

blank touch

blank and empty stomach

blank and shut off heart

blank and hollow mind

blank future

blank time

blank streets

blank seats

blank skies

blank eyes

Oh starry starry night please bring back the color of life?!

Star light star bright Where are you tonight?

Sketchy past

Foggy present

blank stance

blank faces

blank responses

blank bed

blank reproduction

empty

old

stale...

Scared shitless!

On freeway driving my subi

car says "at oil temp"

each time I break I see the mph gage drop to zero

and suddenly the ABS break light comes on and my car DIES

I'm in the 3rd lane from the right

Mind you I've never died on the freeway b4

I couldn't find my emergency flashers

I got it over as quickly as I could into the emergency lane

without being hit...total miracle.. It was 4:40pm

I was 1/2 mile from the 600 South exit on I15

I called the hubs and was freaking out to say the very least

WTF do I do now??

I restarted my car and tried putting it in drive I started moving slowly

but the engine light was still flashing and it was super sluggish

I said a prayer to the universe asking for me to make it safely off the freeway to 600 S. exit

where I knew I could park it somewhere

I really didn't want it to be stuck there for the rest of the night

we are due for a killer storm tonight

I stressed the fuck out of Jared and now I have more guilt that things are all my fault

We are COMPLETELY out of $$funds$$ so I have no clue where we are going to find the money to fix it

my stress level was already at an all time high

not it's a hundred notches higher and I have no idea how to react...

It's one of those times when I want to throw my arms up in the air and say "I give up"

because that's truly how I feel. I'm so damned overwhelmed.

At some point the hubs will be coming downtown to look at subi and decide what the hell is wrong with it

if it's safe I will likely only have the courage to take the back roads home.

Shitty fo realios

Means a fun walk to school in the morning for the kids and I tomorrow...

Happy happy joy joy

For xmas I wish for 2 well working cars, happy healthy kids and parents (us ;) and for money to be figured out sooner rather than later.

**sigh

Super~

Super frustrated

Feeling super down

It’s super freezing

I’ve been super dogged on

Making me feel super shitty

College is super hard

And

I’m not working much at all (the last couple months)

Making me super broke

I’m super baby hungry still

Making my heart super ache

I’m hating my looks…. JUST SUPER!

Still super hating:

My super insane brain

My super thin hair

My super small & fat feet

My non hour-glass figure

My sagging super motherly breasts

And my super enormous personality

And I wish I were super different

And I want to start over so I can learn to be super content.

But instead I sound and feel Super lame-

Real One~

can i be that everything like that sun to your sky

can i sing all that is in my heart surely i'll try

can i see my mother in my dreams and never say goodbye

can you take care of me like i take care of you

can you love me even when im unlovable

and believe we are better as two

can you look at me and love me

can you say the things i long to hear

can you show me that I'm your everything

can you do your best to draw me nearer

can i show you that i love you

can i be that lady wise

can I be the mother you're amazed by

can i be the wife you stay with

because you want nothing less

can i just tell you i did my very best

Mental spring cleaning/complaining~

It has been a bit of a stressful week for me and for no other reason than when one of my boys is doing good in school it seems the teeter totter comes back down and the other one has to struggle. Zman hasn’t been handing in his work on time and his work is becoming sloppy, granted it is nearly the end of the year and by this time he is sick of schoolwork. He was grounded from his DS and video gaming systems and his work is still coming back with poor grades. I’m at a real loss of what to do for him.

Summer is about to begin and I chose not to take on clients for June-August. I’m ecstatic not to be on call but another part of me is shitting my pants b/c that means no money coming in on my part either. I’m looking at certifying as a Brio CBE and seeing if that will bring me in $$. I really could use working 1-2 nights a week. I’m freaking out and having HUGE anxiety ridden days thinking about it. Stress doesn’t help a woman when she’s TRYING to get pregnant. **Argg

Another concern is my body and how crappy it looks and feels right now. If it weren’t so damned cold outside I would take Gabe out and enjoy a nice walk. The shivering drives me insane. I also can’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit all summer long. I really gotta get on the bandwagon and start exercising regularly. My mental attitude isn’t in a healthy state when I don’t feel in shape. My fear is losing weight and getting fit again could have ramifications on my monthly cycle. I obviously know that once I’m pregnant being in shape is still important and hopefully I can still go to the gym but I don’t think it is wise of me to “wait” to become pregnant to start my workout routine again. I have about 10 pounds to lose and although that seems easy to some it is quite a nightmare for me… I have never had to work so hard to be in shape and I must say Im not loving my 30’s for this very fact. DAMMIT!

Did I mention I want a a baby?! Yeah I do, crazy as it may seem I’m ready for another lil one around the house. Why not add to the chaos right? LOL My therapist seems ok with our decision we made as a family. I should add how thankful I am that I have a damn good therapist, it’s been 4 years now.

Did I also mention that I miss having my free time during the day a bit?! Yup I actually do I miss being able to mow the lawn, take a LONG hot bath, do my hair w/out interruption, and play music LOUDLY in the home while I plan my month of work schedules and routine. I miss going to the grocery store w/out a nagging child. I feel completely bombarded with things that are 100% my responsibility. Im having a temper tantrum and am having a selfish moment. I will have clarity again and recognize the importance of what I’m doing but many a days I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel….. KWIM?!

Rock Me To Sleep

I miss you Mom - xoxo