Scared shitless!

On freeway driving my subi

car says "at oil temp"

each time I break I see the mph gage drop to zero

and suddenly the ABS break light comes on and my car DIES

I'm in the 3rd lane from the right

Mind you I've never died on the freeway b4

I couldn't find my emergency flashers

I got it over as quickly as I could into the emergency lane

without being hit...total miracle.. It was 4:40pm

I was 1/2 mile from the 600 South exit on I15

I called the hubs and was freaking out to say the very least

WTF do I do now??

I restarted my car and tried putting it in drive I started moving slowly

but the engine light was still flashing and it was super sluggish

I said a prayer to the universe asking for me to make it safely off the freeway to 600 S. exit

where I knew I could park it somewhere

I really didn't want it to be stuck there for the rest of the night

we are due for a killer storm tonight

I stressed the fuck out of Jared and now I have more guilt that things are all my fault

We are COMPLETELY out of $$funds$$ so I have no clue where we are going to find the money to fix it

my stress level was already at an all time high

not it's a hundred notches higher and I have no idea how to react...

It's one of those times when I want to throw my arms up in the air and say "I give up"

because that's truly how I feel. I'm so damned overwhelmed.

At some point the hubs will be coming downtown to look at subi and decide what the hell is wrong with it

if it's safe I will likely only have the courage to take the back roads home.

Shitty fo realios

Means a fun walk to school in the morning for the kids and I tomorrow...

Happy happy joy joy

For xmas I wish for 2 well working cars, happy healthy kids and parents (us ;) and for money to be figured out sooner rather than later.

**sigh

Super~

Super frustrated

Feeling super down

It’s super freezing

I’ve been super dogged on

Making me feel super shitty

College is super hard

And

I’m not working much at all (the last couple months)

Making me super broke

I’m super baby hungry still

Making my heart super ache

I’m hating my looks…. JUST SUPER!

Still super hating:

My super insane brain

My super thin hair

My super small & fat feet

My non hour-glass figure

My sagging super motherly breasts

And my super enormous personality

And I wish I were super different

And I want to start over so I can learn to be super content.

But instead I sound and feel Super lame-

Real One~

can i be that everything like that sun to your sky

can i sing all that is in my heart surely i'll try

can i see my mother in my dreams and never say goodbye

can you take care of me like i take care of you

can you love me even when im unlovable

and believe we are better as two

can you look at me and love me

can you say the things i long to hear

can you show me that I'm your everything

can you do your best to draw me nearer

can i show you that i love you

can i be that lady wise

can I be the mother you're amazed by

can i be the wife you stay with

because you want nothing less

can i just tell you i did my very best

Mental spring cleaning/complaining~

It has been a bit of a stressful week for me and for no other reason than when one of my boys is doing good in school it seems the teeter totter comes back down and the other one has to struggle. Zman hasn’t been handing in his work on time and his work is becoming sloppy, granted it is nearly the end of the year and by this time he is sick of schoolwork. He was grounded from his DS and video gaming systems and his work is still coming back with poor grades. I’m at a real loss of what to do for him.

Summer is about to begin and I chose not to take on clients for June-August. I’m ecstatic not to be on call but another part of me is shitting my pants b/c that means no money coming in on my part either. I’m looking at certifying as a Brio CBE and seeing if that will bring me in $$. I really could use working 1-2 nights a week. I’m freaking out and having HUGE anxiety ridden days thinking about it. Stress doesn’t help a woman when she’s TRYING to get pregnant. **Argg

Another concern is my body and how crappy it looks and feels right now. If it weren’t so damned cold outside I would take Gabe out and enjoy a nice walk. The shivering drives me insane. I also can’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit all summer long. I really gotta get on the bandwagon and start exercising regularly. My mental attitude isn’t in a healthy state when I don’t feel in shape. My fear is losing weight and getting fit again could have ramifications on my monthly cycle. I obviously know that once I’m pregnant being in shape is still important and hopefully I can still go to the gym but I don’t think it is wise of me to “wait” to become pregnant to start my workout routine again. I have about 10 pounds to lose and although that seems easy to some it is quite a nightmare for me… I have never had to work so hard to be in shape and I must say Im not loving my 30’s for this very fact. DAMMIT!

Did I mention I want a a baby?! Yeah I do, crazy as it may seem I’m ready for another lil one around the house. Why not add to the chaos right? LOL My therapist seems ok with our decision we made as a family. I should add how thankful I am that I have a damn good therapist, it’s been 4 years now.

Did I also mention that I miss having my free time during the day a bit?! Yup I actually do I miss being able to mow the lawn, take a LONG hot bath, do my hair w/out interruption, and play music LOUDLY in the home while I plan my month of work schedules and routine. I miss going to the grocery store w/out a nagging child. I feel completely bombarded with things that are 100% my responsibility. Im having a temper tantrum and am having a selfish moment. I will have clarity again and recognize the importance of what I’m doing but many a days I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel….. KWIM?!

Rock Me To Sleep

I miss you Mom - xoxo

I want:

to feel energetic

to feel good enough that Im following through with my goals

to have my son's school respect me after our next meeting

to cook more to give my husband a happy heart and happy tummy ;)

to finish my phlebotomy internship

to check jobs that are graveyard hours to help take some of the burden off my hubby

to awaken and show happiness to my boys each morning

to dedicate 30 min of my day to do something for me (example: hot bath, pedicure, yoga, pole work out, meditation, or aerial yoga, journaling or eat a treat)

to plan on attending college this coming fall

to check on k-12 program ASAP for my son

to help my kids be more independent by teaching them basic grooming needs.

to read a book about puberty to my son and talk over all questions or concerns

to kiss my husband 5 times every day :)

I want and my wanting will become my doing.... ACTION~

labyrinth~

behind the smile

and the lil circles that we call eyes

are written the countless chapters of stories

within every being are experiences... that of which

explains their present

look into those eyes & seek what is not being said

sometimes things heard are never uttered but ring loudly within

shaking our inner core

at times we wonder why some hearts are emptier than others

we continue to walk as beings with separate pasts, presents, and futures

but fail to recognize that fragility of humanity

we can not begin to think we are alone on this journey

a flash that comes and quickly fades

leaving us to sift through the darkness on our own

yet we still apply a smile to our face that isn't meant to be read as just that...

but the unlocked details can't begin to explain all

we must find those lil circles we call eyes and just listen...

what are the stories you hear?

A ditty~

This very morning the sun comes up

coffee be fillin my cup

and in the morning there i be

a moody old woman that people can see...

so..

i sit on down and do my thing

escape my life and all the mundane

siftin through the brightest light

where my eyes stay closed and i hold on tight

to the things i knew and all that i had done

wanting to right my every wrong

i take a glance at my future's path

but promises broken.. it ain't my last

if I knew all there was inside, would i continue to run and hide

or would i just step away and look at tomorrow as another day

Could I be that lady strong, who sings you lullabyes in song

who cuddles you softly through the night tellin you it'll be alright.

now only if I believe things aren't always as I see

and move on to my destiny.... perhaps and maybe and most definitely

I can be who I aspire to be~

Untouchable~

well i can hardly breathe

and i can barely see

they keep telling me

IT'S INSANITY

oh insanity

don't you come for me

just let it be

temporarily

white out

solid door

concrete walls

hollow core

empty hearts

cold embraces

stolen glances

hardened faces

well i can hardly breathe

and I can barely see

they keep telling me

IT'S INSANITY

oh insanity

don't you come for me

just let it be

temporarily

black out

hit the floor

eyes are dead

tears no more

weightless now

she goes on

effortlessly singin' her insanity song....

No tv, end of summer, school starts soon, and thoughts~

It has been 6 long weeks of us not having any television. We were addicted to the t.v. and cable channels. When we decided to shut it all off and mail back the cable box we knew this meant.... FOREVER!! Truth be told is hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be only because we've enjoyed the good outdoors. However, now that summer is winding down and the kids start school they are BORED to death and we have done everything under the sun. Im exhausted and not willing to take them to the variety of places to fight crowds: zoo, museums, downtown, and lagoon. Since I have a back injury (which will never get better) it takes a lot for me to suck it up and drive 30 min anywhere then walk miles and miles following my kids.... I've done it all summer and this last week Im kinda feeling done. Is that horrible? Unlike most mothers' Im feeling quite excited for my kids to go to school starting next Monday. As always Im worried about Gabe (my youngest with Autism) and hoping that he'll adjust well and that we have a great teacher for him. For my son Zoa I know he'll do great, he loves school and all the social aspects of it. I am rather worried on bullying and if Zoa will get picked on for being so short and skinny. He is not growing as I wish he would and Im trying my best to get him to eat as many calories a day. Sadly his medication makes him not have much of an appetite. Im feeling a bit lonely and sad that Jared has a TON of work to be doing the next 5 months. I was hoping to have some alone time with him once a week while the kids were at school. We had hopes to go climbing, out to eat, having coffee, chatting or whatever.... The last 7 days I feel like my brain has been completely full and my emotions have been all over the place. With the time it takes to own a home, be a mother of 2 kids (one with very special needs), and a wife it is extremely hard to devote my time to good friendships. Im feeling like I lack a close friend to talk to and have a little time with once in a great while. I can definitely say Im not the "best friend" someone would want around since my time is so limited and my family comes first. My work comes second and that has also been demanding for me. The last few births I did were extremely difficult. I decided to talk to Becky at The Birth Center in Murray to see if she needed another "on call birth support person." Thankfully she said she did and I get to be on board with her and the team, what a dream that is for me. Im happy that I will be doing births at just the 1 center and not all over the valley. Im feeling torn that I won't be working full time and with the kind of work I do.... you never know how much money (month to month) I'll be bringing home. When I'm not working I hope to be reading. I have so many books to get to, it is quite overwhelming. There are 15 alone on Gabe's diagnoses and ways to help him and understand more fully his needs. Then there are birth books that I really want to get started on. In the next month or two I will be starting a phlebotomy class. I hope to go into home birth midwifery one day but am not jumping in too fast as my kids are too young. Once my boys start junior high I hope to be close to getting my CPM. Life has thrown many curve balls my way... many of which have hit me smack in the face. Lately I've been wishing I could have another baby and knowing that won't be possible is rather difficult for me. I must admit Im extremely nervous for the next few months.... all the unknown is scary. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be first and foremost whatever comes after that is minor. I hope to take some burden off of Jared and all he does for our family. Since we've had chickens this year we have been selling some of our eggs and it comes close to paying fully for what we spend on their food and supplies. The boys have been enjoying the hens and egg finding. I hope the hens do well this winter. The garden has been keeping me extremely busy. We canned 100+jars of apricots, did fruit leather, 25 jars of apricot jam and more. We also are trying apricot wine, we hear it is divine!! We are crossing our fingers ours works and are excited to bottle it soon and try it in about 10 months. :) My garden has yielded some great veggies and soon my grapes will be ready to harvest. Im not ready for winter to come yet... :( Since I have winter blues I bought me some snow shoes and hope to be more physically active than any other winters past. Truth be told in my life I don't have many answers. I know that I try to be a good mother and wife. I know that I have put time towards other things that aren't important. I know that Im nervous for any educational experiences that come my way only because I don't learn as fast as others do. I know I love my husband and hope we can become stronger each and everyday. I know that my life will be full of laughter, smiles, tears, sorrow, and happiness if I follow what I know to be right and true for me. I owe my husband everything he brings me such great joy and pleasure. He is my foundation and truly he makes me a better woman in all things. I hope to keep going and doing and being the BEST in all I do and say. There are just a few things I do know and those are all I can focus on and smile about..... other than that I just gotta keep on keeping on~