STARTS WITH ME:

 Look Listen and Feel.....

 Vacation is coming....

 Learning is growing......

 Doing is opening....

 Life is LIVING....

 Embrace....face...my

 CHALLENGES.......

even my demons.

It's like that all too famous song on the Pocahontas movie: 

"LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND" sung by grandmother willow....the tree that Pocahontas seeks for answers. Perhaps mine are under this rock...in it....around it?? Ok...i get it....I will sit, wait, and LISTEN....(patience wasn't one of the virtues I was blessed with, but I will do as told)

Thanx Grandmother Willow!!!

OPEN PONDER:

I am trying to keep my eyes opened to the next few steps that the road is paving for me....I have many decisions to make!!!

              TO NAME A FEW:

1. I am faced with a hard decision with

 my son Gabe who has Autism. What step is next, which classes, schools, activities....I am his mother and nothing would please me greater than to see the crystal ball holding our future....As most mother's I question what is best for my child....I try to make decisions that are in his best interests....but I am hearing from all different directions opposing things. Shutting the door and never looking at what is in front of me/him/our family seems so much easier than just following  "mother intuition". I sit...and stare into the future with so many different choices....and making the "right" one for him is incredibly stressful. 

2. I need a break.....a vacation of sorts....I feel overwhelmed with LIFE!!

I could use a full 48 hours alone....a well deserved break. There is nothing like taking in a few breathes of fresh air and living on my own time clock. It is past due....I haven't had 48 hours to myself in 10+ years......

3. What am I going to do with myself and my boys when school gets out in 3 weeks....??? Oh MY GOD.....how time leaps ahead.....swimming, soccer, gardening, home improvements, etc...blah blah blah....*sigh

4. Do I or Do I NOT....go to school and become what I have a passion for? This is a HUGE decision.....time, money, all of that jazz....oh and hello MRS. ADHD....can I even handle

college? I have never been one that was successful at school, book work, memorization, this is another bad ass hill I have to climb. No matter what profession I choose to go into I fear failure. I don't have the choice nor time nor money to say:

"Nah, I don't want to do this!" I just can't make that twenty thousand dollar mistake! 

 5. My husband and I need a date night. Not just twice a year either....I would love to shoot for once every other month or once a month even....WOW....what would that be like? Hell, I don't even know if my husband would like me anymore.....

I think our main focus is our children and it needs to be, because they need us at this young age. Not to mention we have boys with "special needs". Real quality uninterrupted time with my husband sounds dreamy....

 My future and the choices I make affect not only me. I have to keep my eyes OPEN...THINK....LISTEN....and FOLLOW THROUGH.....(laughing my ass off) yeah...that's ALL I have to do....Cuz as I said earlier....nothing would be nicer to live in denial. 

Just CLOSE my eyes................

(knowing full well I would accomplish nothing by doing that) 

Tempting though very very tempting...

MISS NATURE:

 Always enjoy the sunset! These are pictures I took of the same night....same time. The moon is on the east mountains and the sunset was on the west. It was absolutely breathtaking.  The vivid colors were so burnt orange....one of my absolute favorite colors. The moon was full and the sun somehow shone brightly on it; seeing the shadowing of the craters was awesome. I love being on my own at night and taking pictures. Photography and time alone restores me. WOW....just....wow.....

FEW TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE:

 I now own a pole....set it up in my house and here are a few pictures that I have. Although I'm just beginning...I LOVE IT!!! I am trying hard and the progress seems slow, but it rocks my world as far as work outs go!!! I take lessons at a local studio here and my instructor is AMAZING!! I think I started pole dancing classes for a lot of reasons and one is to try something new, 2nd is to see if I could even do anything on the damn thing.....it is MUCH harder than it looks and I was humbled when I had my first class!! My hopes are to get better and even possibly go into some dance competition. We shall see................

SPICE IT UP GIRL:

i did my hair different. it was one of those days where i look in the mirror and i am unhappy with what i see...so i said...hell....i gonna try something different and wear my hair curly. I washed it, scrunched it, gel in it, scrunched more, and took the hair dryer to it. this is the end result.....and all Jared said to me was this: "what did you do to your hair? it looks weird...." NOTE TO ALL HUSBANDS or BOYFRIENDS NEVER EVER SAY YOUR WOMAN LOOKS WEIRD.....that will NOT get you the sex that you are all dying for. i was pissed, slammed the door in his face and went to a counseling appointment where my male counselor complimented me on my new style that day. i was so thankful that someone appreciated my creativity. truly....i thought it looked cute....and i enjoyed spicing things up for a day!!

Oh damnit.....my head, my ears, my eyes, my fuckin' body.....all sick. I'm filled with the dreaded bug. Now on my fourth day of feeling like a train ran me over twice, I cried today thinking I couldn't handle anymore. Fever, and then chills, then the sweating, then more shivering.  I kept wiggling in bed as much as possible for holding still was more of a chore. Moaning was the only way I could vocalize the pain and torment of my sickness. In the movie: "Death Becomes Her" (gotta see it) one of the women has a hole in her abdomen and is still alive walking down the stairs and so forth.....well to put it lightly.....I would rather feel like that then have this motherfucking bug ever again. Crazy thing is.....this was the first year I got a flu shot...and I got the flu twice this year. Think I am getting another flu shot....HELL NO!!!  It's all bullshit POISON  never again..... NO THANK YOU!!! 

De-STREss and Dancin' up!

I enjoyed my night to the fullest. I was able to go to a concert. The Aggrolites played and they were awesome. It was so nice because I was able to meet new people from a chat room and it was so good to meet them for reals!!! I wasn't self conscious about dancing or being myself....I was 100% comfy. It was therapeutic to be on my own, dancing like a crazy wild woman, and dressing up to just be free and let go!! I will go to another concert soon. I hope I can get others to go again. But now that I know what I am in for I think I may have a new addiction. Had fun, played more, stressed less.....

My BLUE St. Patty's day:

Feeling a lil blue today. Money woes. Time change. Hyper children. Watching the clock. Life is a waiting game. I serve my children, my husband, my home, my sisters, brothers, parents, friends, and sometimes.....I have wishful thinking that karma will return my favors. So I think to be honest I am just having a bout of PMS. Oh, tis lovely to be a woman :( (grouchy face)!  So this "stupid" holiday is for all those who wish to celebrate something; and for me...I'm going to allow myself to be bitchy and grouchy......I suppose it is time to break out me chocolates. 

always a first time:

Blogging...weird name for a way of puking my day's journey out over the computer and leaving it open for those that are interested in reading. So, this is me....another day in the life of motherhood. My children don't have school today....I think I have allowed them far too much t.v. Daddy comes home soon and I think as the sun shines on our lonely trampoline we shall abuse it fully by jumping vigorously. Time for me to put a smile on....and go about enjoying my day more fully.