complain complain complain (1 of my talents)

I know that kids grow up and I know that it should be exciting and wonderful and fun. However, my youngest is turning 7 next week and for some odd reason it is kinda breaking my heart to see my kids grow up. My oldest will be 9 in 2 months. Truthfully I am having one of those days... I tear up at the littlest things. Both my boys will be attending full day school starting this fall and Im both happy and sad about it. With Gabe having his diagnoses of PDD-NOS (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I can't help but worry about all his struggles. Zoa LOVES school and the huge social aspect of it all, which is a very good thing. This is a wake up call to find myself again...it has been ALL about mothering my kids 24-7 for the last 9 years. Not only do I need to find myself I need to be creative in doing it for FREE. There are so many things I wish I could do: voice lessons, guitar lessons, dance class, getting in shape, midwifery courses, home improvements... and the list goes on and on. Thankfully I have from August -October booked for work...but that is only part time. It's tough, I feel like Im thrown back out there in the harsh world that I haven't really been a part of for 9 years. It's a hard for me to think about my kids not needing me 6.5 hours of the day. Perhaps Im having a woe is me moment. Im stressed about a myriad of things with zero answers. Unfortunately crying just isn't one my talents nor one of my 1st reactions to stress.... More than anything I just want to know one other person on the earth has felt this way or is currently feeling as insane as me. I can say honestly it is one of the loneliest times in my entire life. My husband is entirely excited about the changes that are taking place and I kinda feel left in the dust cloud~ In life is it fair to ask or wish for someone to give you as much as you have given to them? Again I said it is just one of "those days" where I feel extremely empty. It would be great for someone to fill my glass back to half full...hell even if it was with rocks, glass, poison... shit... that would mean at least someone tried. Jared and I will be celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary this month. We also decided jointly to start marriage counseling because we both know we can improve on our communication skills with one another. Our 1st appointment is for next week. I will say Im hopeful for change on my part and know that I can only better myself and in that it can enhance healthier relationships. Most people I tend to vent to always say: "Tiff, it could be worse." (which completely invalidates my feelings) I say: "of course, it can always be worse..."  and I do my best to slap a smile on my face and keep workin on being the best human possible...