MISS IT :(

I hurt my back badly last November (08') and am still feeling the effects from it. I have chosen the last few months to go the alternative medicine route and do Rolfing a deep tissue muscle integration therapy. Since then I haven' t worked out a bit. More than any workout in the world I miss doing all the tricks I use to be able to do on the pole. I want my back to get better so badly cuz working out like this... is SO FUN and rewarding in a way that can't be explained. I taught Jared this "flag pole" move after only a month or two.

For those of you that read my blog I don't dance, strip, use it for sexual play... I use to use it to work out and do intermediate moves on. I don't have the strength in any of my body to do what I used to. I didn't hurt my back working out on this, I actually hurt it at the gym WITH a trainer lifting TOO heavy of weights and it caused 2 discs to herniate. I want my body back. :( I had 3-4 classes with a chick who no longer teaches. The place only had spinning poles which were a blast and also crazy to work on... Easy to spin yourself on your head or to dizzy-puking... haha.. But really I may just have to get back to working out despite my common ailment and despite the pain. I think I can.. I think I can... Now I only wish I had 12-15 foot ceilings... ;)

The loss~

I am signed up on a few yahoo groups websites. Two mothers' I know of had stillborn babies within a month of one another. I read their emails. Looked at one with pictures. My heart absolutely aches for these mothers. When I saw the pic of the empty nursery and the pic of the angel in the crib.... I lost it. Truly is there anything more trying in life than losing your own baby? Full term perfect infants...with no heart beat. I don't know how these mothers were able to let that baby out of their arms. It makes me sob today. It is important for me to focus on my two lil boys. It is a blessing to me that I never miscarried or lost my babies. As hard as some days are for me with the special challenges we face...my lil ones are here with me...and now I don't want to let them go. I will try and reflect on this entry and be grateful for the days, minutes, and hours I get to spend with my little ones! My heart goes out to woman all around the world who have lost a child and my thoughts are with you. To angel baby's Elsa and Georgia may you visit your mothers often in dreams and know your mother loves you. Through their loss it has allowed me to grow and be a better mother today and always~

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW~

HOLY YUMMY!!! This is our 3rd summer at our home. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I picked in one day.... We finally got some veggies!!! I am so proud of my green thumb this year!! ALL ORGANIC, all superb tasting~ 

I love to cook mmmmmmmmm~

  here is a cake I made for Zoa it was double layer and oh so yummy. He chose the colors!! 
Homemade springrolls. I love them super spicy. They are divine!!! I just hope to forget the mess they make... and the oil flingin everywhere *ouch
These are cupcakes for Gabe's 7th birthday. They had a blast frosting all the cupcakes and using candies. But these are the ones I did because they are the only ones that looked edible. 
This is our homemade pizza all from scratch. The basil is from my own garden I will never forget how good this pizza was.....DAMN!
 Pizza in the oven. Homemade EVERYTHING from dough, to sauce~ mmmmmm 
One of my fav things to do is cook. If it's on my time and what I'm craving holy moly nothin better than a home cooked meal. My boys LOVE to help and once in awhile we take pics of our creations. I love to eat... I always wish I could eat BIG meals but I'm more of a grazer... but that equals me hungry every hour to 2 hours.... 

Such an amazing opportunity~

This is an article I was asked to be a part of for the examiner.com  it is done by Julia Hollingsworth. 

http://www.examiner.com/x-22740-Salt-Lake-City-Indie-Band-Examiner~y2009m9d5-Tiffany-H-overcoming-performance-fear

scroll down to see a couple b4 and after shots: GARDEN/YARD

   pics of my front gardens.....

 1st year of SFG tomatoes, squash, peppers, basil, chives, pole beans, carrots, beets and more....

 Grapes Grapes and more Grapes...make excellent bottled grape juice and going on our 2nd year of homemade vino~

2 years ago this used to be a yard that was mostly dead weeds, & zero sprinklers. It had a broken chain link fence half that cut off half the back yard. We ripped the fence out and built the iron fence that you see. Jared built all the arches for the grape vines. The only living thing was the apricot tree. Since we moved in we have done an entire sprinkling system, (trying to get the grass back to green) seeded for grass, 7 grape vines, peach tree, veggie garden, plumb tree, corn on the cob, wild flowers, lavender, basil, rosemary, 8 raspberry plants, 2 apple trees, and more I haven't thought of.....  In the front yard we have a tree that is over 100 ft. tall that costs us $900 to thin and prune it correctly. No homes/cars/people were injured...I was very glad!!! We have A LONG way to go to get my yard the way I want it. But I have to remember how far we have come.  It costs a lot in time and money to make a yard look pretty. We shall see how this improves over the years...... 

Autism Conference:

My husband and I attended the Autism Conference on Sat. Aug. 8. This was my first real reach out to meet other parents with ASD kids. I was hoping to connect. I knew I wasn't the only mother living out there completely struggling with issues that differ than other mothers. We arrived at 8am ate breakfast. I ran into someone I knew there which was good for me...  The turn out in my mind was fairly poor I was thinking the room would be packed...it wasn't. Our first speaker was a man Im very familiar with named Matt Townsend he was EXCELLENT. He does not have a child with ASD but he helped me to understand that attitude, character, and commitment all coincide. He made me laugh a ton and even cry. I brought home a few great pages worth of notes and goals. We then ate lunch and talked. We visited a few vendors that were there, and we both purchased stainless steel rings that are cut into puzzle pieces (mine is 2 pieces Jared's is 3). The puzzle is the "logo" for Autism. After lunch we had a few ladies speak about their experiences with an ASD child. I laughed,and sobbed...it was EXTREMELY emotional for me. My son was diagnosed 4 years ago,I didn't realize it would still be so deeply hard. The conference put together a slide show of some funny antics that kids with ASD pull... it was VERY relatable. Jared and I were fairly overwhelmed after the conference was over....we just have a lot on our plate and YES it helps to know others out there understand but it is sooooo tough daily. One speaker struck me so deeply I wrote her a thank you letter. She was REAL in her words...she said: "if there was a cure or even some MAGIC that would FIX or turn my son to "normal" I would be there...I'm not the parent that will say this is him and I'm ok with that... I would change it if I could. It affects our entire family." I cried and cried...as tears well up even now... I think of how unfair it is to my older son who lives with his brother with ASD whom we treat differently....(picking and choosing certain battles over others) Since the conference ended my emotions have fluctuated to laughter, tears, and sudden anger, it has exhausted me completely. Gabe is a beautiful boy and his innocence is heart warming. I don't completely know what the future holds for him, I won't know if he can live on his own, hold a job, get a girlfriend, have close friendships....all I can hope for more than anything is for him to be HAPPY. It is sad that insurance doesn't cover anything to do with ASD...Im not wealthy so many of the therapy's that could be useful we don't do because of finances. I met couples that took 2nd and 3rd mortgages out on their homes with just SMALL glimpses of improvement.... parents who's marriages are dying and families that are falling apart. All marriages take effort but in a recent study parents with a child with ASD have a 80% chance of divorce rate. Im working my butt off to be that 20%, Im working to be involved, loving, compassionate, a person with good character. Not one minute goes by that I don't feel like it's a fight to give up and brake down. EVERY day since the Nemo movie came out I sing to myself: "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." and Im still here. Still committed. Still Gabe's voice. When asking the questions of why me...the answer was why not?!  

complain complain complain (1 of my talents)

I know that kids grow up and I know that it should be exciting and wonderful and fun. However, my youngest is turning 7 next week and for some odd reason it is kinda breaking my heart to see my kids grow up. My oldest will be 9 in 2 months. Truthfully I am having one of those days... I tear up at the littlest things. Both my boys will be attending full day school starting this fall and Im both happy and sad about it. With Gabe having his diagnoses of PDD-NOS (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I can't help but worry about all his struggles. Zoa LOVES school and the huge social aspect of it all, which is a very good thing. This is a wake up call to find myself again...it has been ALL about mothering my kids 24-7 for the last 9 years. Not only do I need to find myself I need to be creative in doing it for FREE. There are so many things I wish I could do: voice lessons, guitar lessons, dance class, getting in shape, midwifery courses, home improvements... and the list goes on and on. Thankfully I have from August -October booked for work...but that is only part time. It's tough, I feel like Im thrown back out there in the harsh world that I haven't really been a part of for 9 years. It's a hard for me to think about my kids not needing me 6.5 hours of the day. Perhaps Im having a woe is me moment. Im stressed about a myriad of things with zero answers. Unfortunately crying just isn't one my talents nor one of my 1st reactions to stress.... More than anything I just want to know one other person on the earth has felt this way or is currently feeling as insane as me. I can say honestly it is one of the loneliest times in my entire life. My husband is entirely excited about the changes that are taking place and I kinda feel left in the dust cloud~ In life is it fair to ask or wish for someone to give you as much as you have given to them? Again I said it is just one of "those days" where I feel extremely empty. It would be great for someone to fill my glass back to half full...hell even if it was with rocks, glass, poison... shit... that would mean at least someone tried. Jared and I will be celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary this month. We also decided jointly to start marriage counseling because we both know we can improve on our communication skills with one another. Our 1st appointment is for next week. I will say Im hopeful for change on my part and know that I can only better myself and in that it can enhance healthier relationships. Most people I tend to vent to always say: "Tiff, it could be worse." (which completely invalidates my feelings) I say: "of course, it can always be worse..."  and I do my best to slap a smile on my face and keep workin on being the best human possible...  

spontaneous:

it was quite a night on the 27th  of June. I was able to go on a date with the hubby to the arts festival an activity we enjoy every year. jared and I got a beer and some wine and enjoyed our stroll knowing the rain was coming. we loved watching the amazing lighting bolts...suddenly it started pouring rain... jared assumed that bucca de beppo was right by us and we decided to RUN there... um he was wrong and we were on 400 S. and  1 block past west of W. temple...NO bucca there...by this time i was completely drenched in a bandana, tank and long skirt which persisted to stick to my legs and make it impossible to run in, and chaco's. i had jared carry my sandals while i hiked up my skirt and ran in 10" deep rain gutter water that was over flowing at first i was pissed at jared and totally wished we hadn't parked a mile away from where we were. i wished he knew where bucca actually was. i was way too drenched to go out to eat anywhere by that time. so as we ran back to our car shivering the whole way i just decided to smile bout the whole thing. totally spontaneous! totally fun! totally child like! we were about the only 2 people on the streets by this time.... A homeless man was kind enough too try to "donate" a blanket for me but i declined and said "it's all good you need it more than i do, thanx anyways" i was smiling ear to ear. We got to our car got in cranked up the heat. i took off my long skirt and was wringing out the water....chillin in my undies...haha there was a cool 2nd hand clothing store close by that jared walked to and picked out a god aweful long skirt for me for a dolla and i put it on....we were still hungry for italian food, he drove us to bucca in midvale and we ate some great spicy italian food we so craved for. funny thing was i  was still drenched, jared was as well and we shivered throughout the entire dinner...but IT WAS ALL SO WORTH IT!!!  what a night to remember for sure!!  All these pics were taken with my cell phone. the jacket i had on was dry only because i kept it in the car  i was really glad i had it!!

Me at Bucca freezing my ass off... 
Gorgeous Rainbow!!! I was in total awe! What a sight to see! These pics don't do it justice~
  DOUBLE RAINBOW...SAWEET!
Jared driving (soaked) me trying to cuddles sayin: "we still in love... see?!"

             This is the sight we had once we got into the car!!! TOTALLY made me smile!!

Grow grow grow....

this is my freshly built square ft. gardening box. I have 2 of them and hope that all the seeds i planted yield good veggies. Snails this year ATE EVERYTHING i planted in the ground, it was a huge disappointment since i started everything indoors and planted them once i knew there was a chance of survival in the great outdoors. So i hope my box with the "special" soil will make wonderful things happen... this is from about 9 days ago...

Here are my grape vines I have a ton of grapes covering most my fencing. I believe we will be canning atleast 10 dozen jars of grape juice. We also will be doing more wine as we did last year. Im pretty impressed with our wine from last year since it was our first time...and it tasted pretty good. Wine is not easy to make... but it is sure fun to have a glass here and there. Jared made our arbors. Lets hope these get filled with lots of green vines and grapes...... FUN FUN!!

What we have so far this year in our garden/yard: 2 apple trees (still "toddlers"), raspberries, corn on the cob, (dwarf) peach tree, apricot tree (HUGE), radishes, spinach, cilantro, jalepenos, tomatoes, chives, zucchini, beans, carrots, beets, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, mulberry tree, plum tree, aronia berry bush, lavender, chamomile, and basil. If I yield something from most of what I have planted I will be ecstatic....