It has been a bit of a stressful week for me and for no other reason than when one of my boys is doing good in school it seems the teeter totter comes back down and the other one has to struggle. Zman hasn’t been handing in his work on time and his work is becoming sloppy, granted it is nearly the end of the year and by this time he is sick of schoolwork. He was grounded from his DS and video gaming systems and his work is still coming back with poor grades. I’m at a real loss of what to do for him.
Summer is about to begin and I chose not to take on clients for June-August. I’m ecstatic not to be on call but another part of me is shitting my pants b/c that means no money coming in on my part either. I’m looking at certifying as a Brio CBE and seeing if that will bring me in $$. I really could use working 1-2 nights a week. I’m freaking out and having HUGE anxiety ridden days thinking about it. Stress doesn’t help a woman when she’s TRYING to get pregnant. **Argg
Another concern is my body and how crappy it looks and feels right now. If it weren’t so damned cold outside I would take Gabe out and enjoy a nice walk. The shivering drives me insane. I also can’t bare the thought of being in a bathing suit all summer long. I really gotta get on the bandwagon and start exercising regularly. My mental attitude isn’t in a healthy state when I don’t feel in shape. My fear is losing weight and getting fit again could have ramifications on my monthly cycle. I obviously know that once I’m pregnant being in shape is still important and hopefully I can still go to the gym but I don’t think it is wise of me to “wait” to become pregnant to start my workout routine again. I have about 10 pounds to lose and although that seems easy to some it is quite a nightmare for me… I have never had to work so hard to be in shape and I must say Im not loving my 30’s for this very fact. DAMMIT!
Did I mention I want a a baby?! Yeah I do, crazy as it may seem I’m ready for another lil one around the house. Why not add to the chaos right? LOL My therapist seems ok with our decision we made as a family. I should add how thankful I am that I have a damn good therapist, it’s been 4 years now.
Did I also mention that I miss having my free time during the day a bit?! Yup I actually do I miss being able to mow the lawn, take a LONG hot bath, do my hair w/out interruption, and play music LOUDLY in the home while I plan my month of work schedules and routine. I miss going to the grocery store w/out a nagging child. I feel completely bombarded with things that are 100% my responsibility. Im having a temper tantrum and am having a selfish moment. I will have clarity again and recognize the importance of what I’m doing but many a days I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel….. KWIM?!
