*Raises Hand..... TEACHER~

So here I am 5 foot 2

with brown short hair

and eyes of blue

with people all up in my face

those type that don't appreciate

that kinda work I had done

ain't it time to trust someone?

So when it's time to make that IEP

don't stand right up and question me!

This is my voice he hath not got

you think you know but YOU KNOW NOT!

I am a mother I will stand

You back down or hard you'll land

Upon your face your answers tell

upon my chest my heart swells

for my son who Autism gots

You back down cuz YOU KNOW NOT!

MISS IT :(

I hurt my back badly last November (08') and am still feeling the effects from it. I have chosen the last few months to go the alternative medicine route and do Rolfing a deep tissue muscle integration therapy. Since then I haven' t worked out a bit. More than any workout in the world I miss doing all the tricks I use to be able to do on the pole. I want my back to get better so badly cuz working out like this... is SO FUN and rewarding in a way that can't be explained. I taught Jared this "flag pole" move after only a month or two.

For those of you that read my blog I don't dance, strip, use it for sexual play... I use to use it to work out and do intermediate moves on. I don't have the strength in any of my body to do what I used to. I didn't hurt my back working out on this, I actually hurt it at the gym WITH a trainer lifting TOO heavy of weights and it caused 2 discs to herniate. I want my body back. :( I had 3-4 classes with a chick who no longer teaches. The place only had spinning poles which were a blast and also crazy to work on... Easy to spin yourself on your head or to dizzy-puking... haha.. But really I may just have to get back to working out despite my common ailment and despite the pain. I think I can.. I think I can... Now I only wish I had 12-15 foot ceilings... ;)

The loss~

I am signed up on a few yahoo groups websites. Two mothers' I know of had stillborn babies within a month of one another. I read their emails. Looked at one with pictures. My heart absolutely aches for these mothers. When I saw the pic of the empty nursery and the pic of the angel in the crib.... I lost it. Truly is there anything more trying in life than losing your own baby? Full term perfect infants...with no heart beat. I don't know how these mothers were able to let that baby out of their arms. It makes me sob today. It is important for me to focus on my two lil boys. It is a blessing to me that I never miscarried or lost my babies. As hard as some days are for me with the special challenges we face...my lil ones are here with me...and now I don't want to let them go. I will try and reflect on this entry and be grateful for the days, minutes, and hours I get to spend with my little ones! My heart goes out to woman all around the world who have lost a child and my thoughts are with you. To angel baby's Elsa and Georgia may you visit your mothers often in dreams and know your mother loves you. Through their loss it has allowed me to grow and be a better mother today and always~

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW~

HOLY YUMMY!!! This is our 3rd summer at our home. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I picked in one day.... We finally got some veggies!!! I am so proud of my green thumb this year!! ALL ORGANIC, all superb tasting~ 

I love to cook mmmmmmmmm~

  here is a cake I made for Zoa it was double layer and oh so yummy. He chose the colors!! 
Homemade springrolls. I love them super spicy. They are divine!!! I just hope to forget the mess they make... and the oil flingin everywhere *ouch
These are cupcakes for Gabe's 7th birthday. They had a blast frosting all the cupcakes and using candies. But these are the ones I did because they are the only ones that looked edible. 
This is our homemade pizza all from scratch. The basil is from my own garden I will never forget how good this pizza was.....DAMN!
 Pizza in the oven. Homemade EVERYTHING from dough, to sauce~ mmmmmm 
One of my fav things to do is cook. If it's on my time and what I'm craving holy moly nothin better than a home cooked meal. My boys LOVE to help and once in awhile we take pics of our creations. I love to eat... I always wish I could eat BIG meals but I'm more of a grazer... but that equals me hungry every hour to 2 hours.... 

Such an amazing opportunity~

This is an article I was asked to be a part of for the examiner.com  it is done by Julia Hollingsworth. 

http://www.examiner.com/x-22740-Salt-Lake-City-Indie-Band-Examiner~y2009m9d5-Tiffany-H-overcoming-performance-fear

scroll down to see a couple b4 and after shots: GARDEN/YARD

   pics of my front gardens.....

 1st year of SFG tomatoes, squash, peppers, basil, chives, pole beans, carrots, beets and more....

 Grapes Grapes and more Grapes...make excellent bottled grape juice and going on our 2nd year of homemade vino~

2 years ago this used to be a yard that was mostly dead weeds, & zero sprinklers. It had a broken chain link fence half that cut off half the back yard. We ripped the fence out and built the iron fence that you see. Jared built all the arches for the grape vines. The only living thing was the apricot tree. Since we moved in we have done an entire sprinkling system, (trying to get the grass back to green) seeded for grass, 7 grape vines, peach tree, veggie garden, plumb tree, corn on the cob, wild flowers, lavender, basil, rosemary, 8 raspberry plants, 2 apple trees, and more I haven't thought of.....  In the front yard we have a tree that is over 100 ft. tall that costs us $900 to thin and prune it correctly. No homes/cars/people were injured...I was very glad!!! We have A LONG way to go to get my yard the way I want it. But I have to remember how far we have come.  It costs a lot in time and money to make a yard look pretty. We shall see how this improves over the years...... 

Autism Conference:

My husband and I attended the Autism Conference on Sat. Aug. 8. This was my first real reach out to meet other parents with ASD kids. I was hoping to connect. I knew I wasn't the only mother living out there completely struggling with issues that differ than other mothers. We arrived at 8am ate breakfast. I ran into someone I knew there which was good for me...  The turn out in my mind was fairly poor I was thinking the room would be packed...it wasn't. Our first speaker was a man Im very familiar with named Matt Townsend he was EXCELLENT. He does not have a child with ASD but he helped me to understand that attitude, character, and commitment all coincide. He made me laugh a ton and even cry. I brought home a few great pages worth of notes and goals. We then ate lunch and talked. We visited a few vendors that were there, and we both purchased stainless steel rings that are cut into puzzle pieces (mine is 2 pieces Jared's is 3). The puzzle is the "logo" for Autism. After lunch we had a few ladies speak about their experiences with an ASD child. I laughed,and sobbed...it was EXTREMELY emotional for me. My son was diagnosed 4 years ago,I didn't realize it would still be so deeply hard. The conference put together a slide show of some funny antics that kids with ASD pull... it was VERY relatable. Jared and I were fairly overwhelmed after the conference was over....we just have a lot on our plate and YES it helps to know others out there understand but it is sooooo tough daily. One speaker struck me so deeply I wrote her a thank you letter. She was REAL in her words...she said: "if there was a cure or even some MAGIC that would FIX or turn my son to "normal" I would be there...I'm not the parent that will say this is him and I'm ok with that... I would change it if I could. It affects our entire family." I cried and cried...as tears well up even now... I think of how unfair it is to my older son who lives with his brother with ASD whom we treat differently....(picking and choosing certain battles over others) Since the conference ended my emotions have fluctuated to laughter, tears, and sudden anger, it has exhausted me completely. Gabe is a beautiful boy and his innocence is heart warming. I don't completely know what the future holds for him, I won't know if he can live on his own, hold a job, get a girlfriend, have close friendships....all I can hope for more than anything is for him to be HAPPY. It is sad that insurance doesn't cover anything to do with ASD...Im not wealthy so many of the therapy's that could be useful we don't do because of finances. I met couples that took 2nd and 3rd mortgages out on their homes with just SMALL glimpses of improvement.... parents who's marriages are dying and families that are falling apart. All marriages take effort but in a recent study parents with a child with ASD have a 80% chance of divorce rate. Im working my butt off to be that 20%, Im working to be involved, loving, compassionate, a person with good character. Not one minute goes by that I don't feel like it's a fight to give up and brake down. EVERY day since the Nemo movie came out I sing to myself: "just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." and Im still here. Still committed. Still Gabe's voice. When asking the questions of why me...the answer was why not?!  

complain complain complain (1 of my talents)

I know that kids grow up and I know that it should be exciting and wonderful and fun. However, my youngest is turning 7 next week and for some odd reason it is kinda breaking my heart to see my kids grow up. My oldest will be 9 in 2 months. Truthfully I am having one of those days... I tear up at the littlest things. Both my boys will be attending full day school starting this fall and Im both happy and sad about it. With Gabe having his diagnoses of PDD-NOS (Autism Spectrum Disorder) I can't help but worry about all his struggles. Zoa LOVES school and the huge social aspect of it all, which is a very good thing. This is a wake up call to find myself again...it has been ALL about mothering my kids 24-7 for the last 9 years. Not only do I need to find myself I need to be creative in doing it for FREE. There are so many things I wish I could do: voice lessons, guitar lessons, dance class, getting in shape, midwifery courses, home improvements... and the list goes on and on. Thankfully I have from August -October booked for work...but that is only part time. It's tough, I feel like Im thrown back out there in the harsh world that I haven't really been a part of for 9 years. It's a hard for me to think about my kids not needing me 6.5 hours of the day. Perhaps Im having a woe is me moment. Im stressed about a myriad of things with zero answers. Unfortunately crying just isn't one my talents nor one of my 1st reactions to stress.... More than anything I just want to know one other person on the earth has felt this way or is currently feeling as insane as me. I can say honestly it is one of the loneliest times in my entire life. My husband is entirely excited about the changes that are taking place and I kinda feel left in the dust cloud~ In life is it fair to ask or wish for someone to give you as much as you have given to them? Again I said it is just one of "those days" where I feel extremely empty. It would be great for someone to fill my glass back to half full...hell even if it was with rocks, glass, poison... shit... that would mean at least someone tried. Jared and I will be celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary this month. We also decided jointly to start marriage counseling because we both know we can improve on our communication skills with one another. Our 1st appointment is for next week. I will say Im hopeful for change on my part and know that I can only better myself and in that it can enhance healthier relationships. Most people I tend to vent to always say: "Tiff, it could be worse." (which completely invalidates my feelings) I say: "of course, it can always be worse..."  and I do my best to slap a smile on my face and keep workin on being the best human possible...  

spontaneous:

it was quite a night on the 27th  of June. I was able to go on a date with the hubby to the arts festival an activity we enjoy every year. jared and I got a beer and some wine and enjoyed our stroll knowing the rain was coming. we loved watching the amazing lighting bolts...suddenly it started pouring rain... jared assumed that bucca de beppo was right by us and we decided to RUN there... um he was wrong and we were on 400 S. and  1 block past west of W. temple...NO bucca there...by this time i was completely drenched in a bandana, tank and long skirt which persisted to stick to my legs and make it impossible to run in, and chaco's. i had jared carry my sandals while i hiked up my skirt and ran in 10" deep rain gutter water that was over flowing at first i was pissed at jared and totally wished we hadn't parked a mile away from where we were. i wished he knew where bucca actually was. i was way too drenched to go out to eat anywhere by that time. so as we ran back to our car shivering the whole way i just decided to smile bout the whole thing. totally spontaneous! totally fun! totally child like! we were about the only 2 people on the streets by this time.... A homeless man was kind enough too try to "donate" a blanket for me but i declined and said "it's all good you need it more than i do, thanx anyways" i was smiling ear to ear. We got to our car got in cranked up the heat. i took off my long skirt and was wringing out the water....chillin in my undies...haha there was a cool 2nd hand clothing store close by that jared walked to and picked out a god aweful long skirt for me for a dolla and i put it on....we were still hungry for italian food, he drove us to bucca in midvale and we ate some great spicy italian food we so craved for. funny thing was i  was still drenched, jared was as well and we shivered throughout the entire dinner...but IT WAS ALL SO WORTH IT!!!  what a night to remember for sure!!  All these pics were taken with my cell phone. the jacket i had on was dry only because i kept it in the car  i was really glad i had it!!

Me at Bucca freezing my ass off... 
Gorgeous Rainbow!!! I was in total awe! What a sight to see! These pics don't do it justice~
  DOUBLE RAINBOW...SAWEET!
Jared driving (soaked) me trying to cuddles sayin: "we still in love... see?!"

             This is the sight we had once we got into the car!!! TOTALLY made me smile!!

Grow grow grow....

this is my freshly built square ft. gardening box. I have 2 of them and hope that all the seeds i planted yield good veggies. Snails this year ATE EVERYTHING i planted in the ground, it was a huge disappointment since i started everything indoors and planted them once i knew there was a chance of survival in the great outdoors. So i hope my box with the "special" soil will make wonderful things happen... this is from about 9 days ago...

Here are my grape vines I have a ton of grapes covering most my fencing. I believe we will be canning atleast 10 dozen jars of grape juice. We also will be doing more wine as we did last year. Im pretty impressed with our wine from last year since it was our first time...and it tasted pretty good. Wine is not easy to make... but it is sure fun to have a glass here and there. Jared made our arbors. Lets hope these get filled with lots of green vines and grapes...... FUN FUN!!

What we have so far this year in our garden/yard: 2 apple trees (still "toddlers"), raspberries, corn on the cob, (dwarf) peach tree, apricot tree (HUGE), radishes, spinach, cilantro, jalepenos, tomatoes, chives, zucchini, beans, carrots, beets, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, mulberry tree, plum tree, aronia berry bush, lavender, chamomile, and basil. If I yield something from most of what I have planted I will be ecstatic.... 

Forget you....forget you not~ Happy Mothers Day...

 A letter to my mother wherever her soul may be~

June 15, 1993 5:40pm You passed away~

I can't remember your laugh. I have tried to play your voice in my head over and over and all I can hear is sadness. How I wish I could remember your smell, every mother has a perfect smell to their child. I remember your eyes, such beautiful blue oceans....  I remember your petite frame and how other women would look at you with envy, an envy that you never recognized. It doesn't take much to recall the way you cried....oh the sobbing hardships you were faced with were evident to me as a young girl. You sang mom, I remember in church on Sunday's I would purposely sit on your lap to listen to you sing, I would lay my head on your chest and remember feeling each breath you took to sing the next line of hymns. You ironed, did many loads of laundry, cooked all the time, watched 1 soap opera a day, and enjoyed your visit with the avon lady. I recall your break time was sitting in a bath full of bubbles....I annoyed you a lil as I wanted to be your company.... I remember those lil quiet times with just you and I talking about nothing really....  Aqua-Net....how could I forget hair spray was a main staple in our home....and HOT curling irons...you seemed obsessed about your hair. Fashion was your middle name... I always thought you were leaps ahead of the other women...you had a fun sense of style.  What I will never know: 

what was your favorite food, who inspired you, how did you feel during your pregnancies, what did you think the seconds after I was born, why did you choose dad, why did you love the color peach so much, who was your favorite actor/actress, what song made you cry, if you woulda had a million dollars what would you have done with it all....what would you think of my husband, my children, of the way I mother my sons.... 

How I wish I had answers...... 

What I can say to you.... Mom you did your best, I know that through and through. You had a rough life.....  I will always love you. You taught me love and empathy. I now know why you were in some of the darkest places of your life....  I rarely recall saying thank you to you for even the littlest things... for even the enormous things. My hopes are that my children will know of you by seeing something inside me that I learned from you! Missing you daily.... 

Thank you for the gift of you.... 

Please visit in my dreams again soon, it's been too long! 

  Love, 

   tiffy aka punkin 

these are a few of my fav. things~

My contribution to earth day, hopefully we are all doing our part EVERY day to help our environment and ourselves....  

A lil bit of what we do: 

*We have a compost bin in our backyard. Less food down the drain and in the garbage.

*We recycle EVERYTHING we possibly can.... and we also do our best to buy used things Craigslist and KSL  are some wonderful sights and have about everything you would need!

*All the light bulbs in our home are Compact Florescent One bulbs...uses 75% less energy and lasts 10x longer!

*We use re-usable grocery bags whenever we shop...not just for food but for everything.

*When things no longer fit or are usable for us we donate locally.

*We shop and eat organic foods. (i still drink coke, i have to have one vice in life;)

*Something simple: we shut down our computers at night and all lights. The kids have LED night lights...perfect!! 

*All of us use water bottles we purchased from REI (BPA free) My kids enjoy their OWN cool cups and drink plenty of water!!

*we have a clothes line, to dry our clothes... i plan on using it now that our fence is up (no my undies won't be out there)

*We enjoy riding trax with our kids when going downtown!

*We don't turn on our AC until July. We keep our home cool with blinds, and good windows.

*We grow our own garden but we also buy local when we can. The SLC farmers market is great to go attend... 

*take your own fav. coffee mug to your coffee shops you visit... 

We are doing just a lil every day but there is always more we could be doing. I urge you as my friends or family to try and think of ways you can better our future and the environment!! Send me a reply of things you feel you can change!

tomsshoes.com

ONE FOR ONE: buy a pair of shoes and toms donates to another child in need. 

I bought a pair of toms shoes 10 months ago. I also purchased one of their bags they sold that fed a child for an entire year, and allowed them to attend school. I was happy to see that toms is getting the word out there and am a happy supporter of their cause!!!

clarkplanetarium.org

Perfect for planet awareness. My family enjoys going to the planetarium, we usually buy a yearly pass. They have wonderful shows and some in 3D and light shows... fun for kids... fun for parents!

getridofthings.com

This is a useful sight I go to...it has everything... on gardening, to green cleaning, to personal care... 

For the ladies out there just visit this sight... it is really cool and if you have questions email me cuz I likely have the answers!!! :)   lunapads.com

Whatcha doin~

so much on my mind. crashing waves of which way to go. my kids are getting older as days go by and i get to make the choice as to what to do when they are in school. from 9-3:30pm the time is mine....so now what? i dread schooling as it has never been easy for me. i suffer with ADHD and lack the ability to memorize things. i struggle because i want to be home when my boys are home and yet i want to make enough money that it helps our family out.  i do better with being my own boss and doing things on my own time. it seems there are few options. doula work has been tougher on me the last 2 years, being on call is extremely rough lasting 4 weeks 24 hours a day.... i shouldn't be so stressed but i am. as soon as my mind is made up for a flexible career then i will gladly accept full breathes again. i feel like a burden on my family lately.... my stress has affected my health, energy, and definitely my patience...  it would be lovely to just have the answers at what i can do. i yearn to be successful and find something i really enjoy doing. im looking at massage therapy something i have been interested in for two decades. i feel really lost in a deep sea.....somewhat stranded and just no clue of which way to go..... all that i hear is: "just keep swimming"! 

her best~

today has been a moody bleak black day for me i cannot begin to explain the frustrations that are within my being. i look within the mirror and wishful thinking asks to leave all the negativity within the glass and that which is staring back may go on with vitality and positivity. i have those days as most humans do that just frustrate you til the energy inside my brain and heart are met within my entire inner skeleton and time is the only thing that allows the frustration to vanish. control of all things is something i wish to attain....however, when one becomes a mother you relinquish control, and selfishness. one thing in this life i fail to understand is how others in this life allow themselves to judge me. i retire to bed each night asking myself what better i can do tomorrow (that is addition i would say). my best is never enough for others. when one human tells another that they are failing....what gives them the right to say: "you aren't doing your best"? there is nothing more haunting to me than wanting to please the human race that knows me. most days i fail and today was a day that was better than yesterday but it still isn't enough.....   i found some lyrics to a song that i changed up and here is how my version goes: 

she feels her pockets for her cigarettes, sometimes she forgets she gave em up.

she starts feeling like she needs a drink, cuz she knows it'll help her not to think.

And she's told herself before....what's it gonna hurt to have one more.

because it's hard to live with her regrets, but life ain't over yet so she tries her best.

she starts thinkin' that she's gonna cry, then she remembers why she gave it up....

cuz it's not worth the pain life's put her through, but it was all that she could do.

but sometimes she wants to go home, it's just too hard to feel alone. 

she's tryin to live with her regrets, cuz life ain't quite over yet.

so tomorrow comes and she tries her best and today she cries her pain away

let it out and let it go, life is life she has lil' control.... 

because it's hard to live with her regrets, but life ain't quite over yet just waitin' for her tomorrow cuz it ain't over.....

After kids I gotta:

Trying to settle down....take time to lay around and take in a few....  I have been crazy lately doing a TON of research on the computer about Dyslexia. I didn't know a lot about Dyslexia and throughout the entire year have asked my son's teacher if he had signs of it....  All I got outta her was a rude laugh as she explained he was completely normal and proceeded to tell me: "There is nothing wrong with him, I can't even imagine that he has Autism. You need to practice with him blah blah blah, I just don't understand why he can't get it we have been practicing blah blah blah all throughout the year." I left parent teacher conference with a feeling of discontent I was sick in my stomach that something wasn't right. My son had been doing his work, I had no idea why he wasn't picking up on some of these cues she was speaking of.... UNTIL I researched for days about Dyslexia.  Numerous signs were there that he indeed has it, there is absolutely no question in my mind. Jared came home and read all about it too, he was saddened and bitter that he too fit all the signs of Dyslexia as well. Throughout my marriage I have heard Jared speak of all of his struggles in reading/writing/spelling  I never really knew what Jared's true diagnosis was until we READ about it. I was sick, Jared was sick and I made many phone calls. (We have options thankfully.)  We had those who test for Dyslexia tell us that he likely has it as it is highly inherited.  We will be doing official testing for Gabe shortly.....however it is another thing that isn't covered by insurance and SADLY isn't considered a learning disability.  I went and spoke with the special education instructors at the school, her response was: "I don't know much about Dyslexia, we don't really deal with it here."  Awwww shoot me in the chest already....  Once Gabe is "officially" diagnosed I will be able to change his IEP at his school. One other option is we can apply for a scholarship and he can go to a private school here in Sandy that caters to children with Dyslexia.  I don't write this in hopes of getting people to feel sorry for me or for Gabe.... I write this because my son dislikes himself, he despises reading, writing, spelling he sweats when he reads, he is surely stressed and NOW I know why!!!! The answers were in me without even knowing the real meaning of Dyslexia. So my job now..... do what I can to just teach him a different way of reading/writing/spelling.... to do what I can to get my son to smile when he "gets it"  instead of running away feeling bad about himself....       I cry as I write this. Early treatment is key and that is all I can start with. The hardest part..... wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'  and just waiting~

Here's lookin' at 30!

holy perfect birthday. all due to an amazing hubby. he got me an absolute beautiful scarf (HE picked out) and a matching bracelet that is "totally" ME!!! he got a sitter for my boys and we went out to a lovely dinner. yes he wined and dined me! :D   it was romantic and wonderful and peaceful and awwwww just PERFECT! we had time to go to the mall and shop my fav store. he picked me out some cute lil panties....(his gift really) and he bought me a cute chic bohemian/hippy dress with a black scarf..... i was in awe the WHOLE day. he even made me my fav dessert of berry crisp....with vanilla ice-cream. for the entire 10 years we have been together this was the FIRST time Jared did it ALL on his own. I am one lucky 30 year old!!! My man impressed me and truthfully i am STILL smilin'! 

mirror mirror on the wall~

you know her

that girl

look at her over there-

i think its her

you know

that one!

are you sure?

well yes i think so,

it seems like her

it should be, 

it has to be....

hmmmm

why does she just sit there like that?

i wonder what she's thinking?

wonder where she's going...

now her eyes...they tell a story

whats her story?

Name? Guess...

who does she think she is??

1 more month~

holy crapness i turn the big 30 next month. like for realios that is now like turning 50. i talked to my bro who also had issues when he turned 30.... it perhaps may be time for the midlife crisis...   does that mean i suddenly get: fake bewbs, a hotrod, a stellar makeover, a sports car, a NEW house, weekly manicures, and i turn into a crazy cougar??? NAH~ i think i will be just fine....although i does feel old. when i turn 40 my kids will be graduating high school....  time flies...Especially when you are having fun! so i just keep on keeping on~