white sass rap @#$%

you make me you brake me you go ahead and spank me

you blow me you show me what you is really made of

you ain't got nothin to offer here

so i leave the past behind with zero fears

you haulin empty  baggage 

you steppin onto the ledge

you is blind to the realism 

what's goin' on in your head?

baby look down and you is DEAD

been nothin but real and

you is everythin fake 

all your questionin mind and 

glimpses of hate

you was a friend o' mine

always cuttin in line

thinking bout you first

and not the person behind~

and your faith means nothin

and your sins mean more

friendship ain't in dat head o' yours

you lack all meaning that humanity makes

and people give and you just take

i'm done givin to a Nothin like you~

 

Word! 

HOORAY~~

YOU ROCK MR. Gabers!!!! We had parent teacher conference and we have great news.....Gabe is no longer needing extra services such as occupational therapy, speech therapy, and resource.  Here is his "I DID IT" photo.......

And here is Gabe saying:

" I rock who's the man, I am SOoooooo Coolllllllllll"

THANK YOU!!!

30.......vs.....60+

Why must it be a problem that I  have certain beliefs that differ from my parents? Why must I receive email after email from both sides of my family that tell me what I believe is  wrong.... Why must my family make the decision to push me away further and further by forcing me to see their side.  We have differences about: race, religion, politics, abortion, raising children, gun rights....and so forth...Being different isn't Being bad!  I have asked for nothing but peace between us. Although my family and I don't see eye to eye on many of lifes issues I know that I do believe in the importance of family. It seems as if pushing us away who think differently is much more important than loving us despite our differences.... It plagues me to TRY and wrap my mind around how they are being what they are taught is "Christ-like."   Perhaps  I was wrong when I thought acceptance of humanity and all our differences is a universal language. Perhaps it is impossible for others to understand how 1 can be happy without seeing the same light as they, the same God, the same same same...... 

So...I keep going and daily try to be a better race, a better human, a better mother, a better daughter, a better woman, a better soul....because I have tomorrow to be better and the next day to be even better than that! Perhaps I die as 1 does one day....than my "better-ness" lives on within all whom crossed my path~ because I choose to believe we are far more alike than we are different!  

Take it! Take it far far away.......

MIGRAINE HELL!!

I went on a birth control 3 months ago. (depo-provera) Unfortunately,  I had many ill side effects. I gained OVER 20 pounds, have suffered from countless migraines for the past 3 months, and have had zero energy due to depression. I didn't go into taking depo blindly, I had a good history of taking this medication, this time around I have learned my lesson. No longer am I going to worry about being on my moon cycle ;). I shall embrace womanhood/PMS=excuse for being the way I am!!! lol

I just know I can't wait to be back to my "normal"! Grrrr........

"ONE PLANET ONE LIFE"

drowned us in your oil,

keep us in this fucked up crisis,

feed our children with your sales from your many homes Mr. .......!

give me your fake

 smile & lie through those wine/coffee stained teeth- 

saying you will change our world.

change it.....tell me how/when

 give me a YOUR  answers -

expect me to pay this health care?

take womens choice away?

keep those fighting from their homes & families? because....why....you did it? 

you served as many others did, 

you lived to tell us about it...sucks to be you!

put a new price tag on my home? name a price....any price? Lower our interest/tax rates for/how/when???

OUR USA is in CRISIS!  "the worst crisis EVER, worse than in 1929" (suze orman) 

WAKE UP AMERICANS!!!!!

UNITE-                                                                                     

I fight to keep sane in this time of complete insanity.

take off the blindfolds

quit  doubting

follow intuition

DENIAL takes us where? 

There are no quick answers~

 but lets pull our heads out of the sand, get our ass in gear and VOTE.....

I don't want to hear  complaints-

I just want my good USofA back and BETTER!!!

 

Grrrr......HAIR SUX-

I hate hate hate growing out my hair..... I haven't had hair down to my chin in YEARS. I get this comment frequently: "Tiff, you could be so pretty if you just grew out your hair."  I could so pretend it doesn't bother me and next time I will comment back:  "IF YOU had a nose job, no man bewbs, and a bigger pecker YOU could be attractive too." I am TRYING to grow out my hair...seriously I am, but it is agony. Perhaps if I were more "girly" than it would be easier....but I'M NOT!!!!  Hair is kinda stupid in fact..... I look at the famous women  and over half of them have FAKE hair... I am talking extensions.....let's get these women to be free of this bullshit....NO we all don't have FULL THICK CURLY hair..... we are boring.... LET US ALL BE BORING....and let our hair down....(shoosh, I know mine goes only to my ears). UGH.... I better be startin' to get cute now damnit..... ;)  

IT'S WHAT WE DO!!!!

Here is a pic of my boys at Lowes on a Saturday building a FREE pirate ship. They have free classes on Saturdays for the kiddos. It was entertaining for them and hell they're boys.....they must have hammering skillz!  I personally like their FREE aprons!  The second picture is of the boys at the Autism Carnival at Wheeler Farm. It was our first year going and YES we will be going next year. They had SO much to do there. Gabe enjoyed his blue cotton candy a RARE treat for my kiddos. We fit right in at the place and it was lovely. There were bounce houses, slides, food, scavenger hunt, tactile things, bubbles, and much more. I decided I really need to join a parents support group for Autism. Life can be tough and it would be really amazing to connect with other parents! So that was our lil weekend. I didn't spend a dime..... probably cuz  I  didn't have a dime to spend. I had fun the boys all had fun and that is what counts..... Stay tuned on how I can be as creative every weekend! 

Seasons Change:

I know seasons change and sometimes that is good.....but I REALLY love sunlight, and I don't look forward to the lack of sunshine and warmth. I already feel seasonal affective disorder startin' creeping like an evil tangly weed....not so nice. So to carbs, and bread, and soda and bed....HERE I COME!!!! ugh....*sigh

tranquility~

oh glowing beauty of radiant light.  Allowing our earth life and death. With the creation of a new day, and a picture to capture an ending night...........breathe in breathe out....and enjoy your day!

socially overstimulated......

This last week was TOO MUCH!!!!  Jared went outta town earlier in the week, that means single motherhood (ICK).  To top off my lovely weekend we had a family reunion.....2 in fact. YES,  that would mean one on each side.... Jared and I each have 8 siblings...what does that mean? It means HELL, SOCIAL HELL!  A house/cabin full of people in 100 degree heat, with crappy food, moody children, no sleep, gassy bodies, 1 bathroom, and onery me. Thankfully there was no debating of religion or politics. HOWEVER  one memorable event happened (past Heber,UT).....  I  ALONE ended up lost in my VW bus looking for a BRIDGE that  couldn't be missed cuz duh it was a bridge......BUT....it wasn't anywhere to be found......i drove on...in my bus that I had only driven 3x, this is a VANAGON people... damn BIG, a 3 point U-turn is NOT FUN on thin canyon roads, and  it was a stick shift that I wasn't use to....going on unknown curvy roads....I was looking for many children and adults from the family who decided to go down a lazy river on tubes, who begged me TO GO, WHICH I persisted that I shouldn't (had a bad feeling bout it). They talked me into going; I was just to read my book and pick them up at the end of the river along side "THE BRIDGE".  NO CHILDREN/ADULTS to be found and NO BRIDGE!!!  What would you have done people???? I SWORE, I talked aloud.... I even resorted to prayer....yeah...HUGE DEAL . I drove back and forth miles and miles to try and find a host of sopping wet people along the road...and POOF there they were....NO BRIDGE to be found....but there they were all with smiling faces.....saying I arrived just in time. WAS I SMILING????  FUCK NO!!!! I was flipping off the asswipe that gave me the shitty directions. I didn't laugh! I so coulda had a beer after that fiasco,  I even leaked that out to my father... for once I don't think he could blame me!  fun times..... or not!

Different is goo.....

i like myself when.... i wear my funky shoes......YES THESE ONES!!! and especially when  i dye my hair how i feel that day (cha the color is BLUE/BLACK).... and know i can change it whenever i want and i feel awesome cuz my hubby doesn't give a hoot....dat is RADNESS! he's still tracted to me even when i go psycho and shave my head (b4 Brittney Spears).  Everyone should try fake lashes and suck in the enjoyment as your (my) hubby laughs.....and i tell him they aren't permanent cuz i got no glue :(   AND.... I like myself because.....because because because because because....CUZ of the wonderful things I DOES!!!!

tis wondafull ta take me time and smell da flawaws~

teeter-totter

which way to wander. which way to roam. which way to look. which way to guide me into darkness to find the glimpse of light. to go to the depths unknown. which way to risk. to look into the mirror and see who is looking back. to go and just keep going. to cry aloud. i stutter, i blink slowly, i stare and the answers are still bare.....  i go into the depths of my curious mind... answers unfolding within my barren chest. i seek to follow light, truth, and wisdom, and none come without self recognition of all that manipulates through my hands. not lost, not found, a   forward and back....a step or many. sometimes falling....perhaps that is ok for now.....

me tat has meaning!!!!

~Dali~

Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them. -salvidor dali

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -salvidor dali

Ouch! Splitting encircling brain.....now you must stop! YOU MUST! You must turn and rotate and open and embody and grow...... YOU MUST! Time for change, time for expansion of your embodied spirit....time to refresh......gain.......EXPAND.....time to open and infuse the newness of you. Drop the shattered "feeling" and embrace you body of water within....rejuvenate. Keep your feet planted, build your roots, allow strength to enter every crevice. Take in one breath.....let it build......and let each breath out with the letting go of chaos. You will be a learned YOU in no time......YOU MUST! YOU CAN! NOW Go.....go......go.....    -tiff

~~MOVE~~

sing it

Dance it~~

Feel it in my bosom

My heart beats to this rhythm

My mind opens

My lips softly give the words

MEANING~

SOUNDS OF FREEDOM......

Freedom

of religion

of pride

of letting

of staying in this moment

I am....

woman

heart

mind and soul.

I sit

I write

My moment passes, and I play again!

I sing~

I dance~

I BE!

"Lend your voice to the sounds of freedom"

Freedom~

"Lend your ear to what your heart is saying"

it speaks

unleash the unforgivens

and BE....

here and now

to hold one to oneself

as hard as one can

BE,

LIVE

your life....my life

THIS LIFE

it is "YOURS"

I will acknowledge freedom

I will lend my voice

my heart beats this rhythm....

it feels......

A MOTHER'S LOVE:

She is the one who gave you life,

Who watches over you through the night.

And when you're sick she wipes your brow,

And prays to God you'll get better somehow.

She watches you grow day by day,

And doesn't like being too far away.

She constantly wonders if she's doing her best.....

But knows God makes up for all of the rest.

Patience, love, and time is what a mother gives-

To all her children and all who live.

She smiles at every stretch her child makes,

And believes in him, he'll win this mortal race.

So I as a woman, a daughter, a mother....

knows there's no job like any other.

I thank my "Holy One" from up above

that I got a touch of my mother's love.

For while she was down here I learned so much...

that much is required...more patience....more trust.

So I choose now to live  for my chilren so dear

and welcome my learning curves I've oftentimes feared.

Dark..............

i cut my hair into a fo-hawk style, put on darker makeup, am wearing all black, and acting like a total EMO..... and all i have to say to that is:  "i did it cuz i FUCKIN' wanted to.... SO THERE!!!!"

Bleeding hearts...........

THERAPY...COUNSELING...Denial..truth...courage...

Mom's ALWAYS right!!!

Hooray Hoorah!!! Tis the end of my fight for Gabe's rights. I received a call from the school system saying that the retainment I fought for was granted.  Can I even tell you the joy I felt?HOT DAMN!!! I am so happy that the testing Gabe had proved that he wasn't ready to go ahead to first grade. He started summer school at Challenger and the first day he said:  "MOM, I love that school!" I was so happy to hear that, he actually brought a tear to my eye.  I never heard that from Gabe his whole first year of Kindergarten. I wish finances would alot for us to put the boys in Challenger all year. It is a great school and I am hugely impressed. So I fought for my son's rights and I WON!!!  Hahahahaha (teasing voice)

HERE TO: protect, serve, and teach him--

LOOK INTO THESE EYES:

Hear ye, Hear ye....ATTENTION: This mother has NO CLUE. That was the prejudgment GLUED on my forehead today. I attended a hearing that was held today for my son. My husband and I fought to hold him back a year in school. The system is fighting us on this issue. I am stunned, sad, and feel like I was socked in the gut. I have been told I am doing the wrong thing, I am not thinking rationally, what could I possibly get by doing this "to" Gabe.... We all sat in a room with my poor son listening to every fucking word said. I fought for him, I was his voice. FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE: I get nothing by holding him back. This is in/for his best interests. BRING IT ON!!! I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH on this issue....I will WIN. I AM HIS VOICE! I SPEAK, I SHED HIS TEARS, I AM HIS BREATH, at these crucial moments when he can NOT speak for himself. The only person that loses this battle is Gabe.....PLEASE hear his voice, hear the whispers in your ears....BELIEVE!!! There is nothing more that I want for my son than to be happy, and healthy. I don't expect miracles by holding him back. I don't expect a huge rainbow to come and make my days perfect.

BUT BY GOD...I sure have HOPE.... So look into these eyes..... let these eyes of hurt, hope, faith, and trust tell GABE'S STORY......  cuz not for one second is this about me..... 

STARTS WITH ME:

 Look Listen and Feel.....

 Vacation is coming....

 Learning is growing......

 Doing is opening....

 Life is LIVING....

 Embrace....face...my

 CHALLENGES.......

even my demons.

It's like that all too famous song on the Pocahontas movie: 

"LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND" sung by grandmother willow....the tree that Pocahontas seeks for answers. Perhaps mine are under this rock...in it....around it?? Ok...i get it....I will sit, wait, and LISTEN....(patience wasn't one of the virtues I was blessed with, but I will do as told)

Thanx Grandmother Willow!!!

OPEN PONDER:

I am trying to keep my eyes opened to the next few steps that the road is paving for me....I have many decisions to make!!!

              TO NAME A FEW:

1. I am faced with a hard decision with

 my son Gabe who has Autism. What step is next, which classes, schools, activities....I am his mother and nothing would please me greater than to see the crystal ball holding our future....As most mother's I question what is best for my child....I try to make decisions that are in his best interests....but I am hearing from all different directions opposing things. Shutting the door and never looking at what is in front of me/him/our family seems so much easier than just following  "mother intuition". I sit...and stare into the future with so many different choices....and making the "right" one for him is incredibly stressful. 

2. I need a break.....a vacation of sorts....I feel overwhelmed with LIFE!!

I could use a full 48 hours alone....a well deserved break. There is nothing like taking in a few breathes of fresh air and living on my own time clock. It is past due....I haven't had 48 hours to myself in 10+ years......

3. What am I going to do with myself and my boys when school gets out in 3 weeks....??? Oh MY GOD.....how time leaps ahead.....swimming, soccer, gardening, home improvements, etc...blah blah blah....*sigh

4. Do I or Do I NOT....go to school and become what I have a passion for? This is a HUGE decision.....time, money, all of that jazz....oh and hello MRS. ADHD....can I even handle

college? I have never been one that was successful at school, book work, memorization, this is another bad ass hill I have to climb. No matter what profession I choose to go into I fear failure. I don't have the choice nor time nor money to say:

"Nah, I don't want to do this!" I just can't make that twenty thousand dollar mistake! 

 5. My husband and I need a date night. Not just twice a year either....I would love to shoot for once every other month or once a month even....WOW....what would that be like? Hell, I don't even know if my husband would like me anymore.....

I think our main focus is our children and it needs to be, because they need us at this young age. Not to mention we have boys with "special needs". Real quality uninterrupted time with my husband sounds dreamy....

 My future and the choices I make affect not only me. I have to keep my eyes OPEN...THINK....LISTEN....and FOLLOW THROUGH.....(laughing my ass off) yeah...that's ALL I have to do....Cuz as I said earlier....nothing would be nicer to live in denial. 

Just CLOSE my eyes................

(knowing full well I would accomplish nothing by doing that) 

Tempting though very very tempting...

MISS NATURE:

 Always enjoy the sunset! These are pictures I took of the same night....same time. The moon is on the east mountains and the sunset was on the west. It was absolutely breathtaking.  The vivid colors were so burnt orange....one of my absolute favorite colors. The moon was full and the sun somehow shone brightly on it; seeing the shadowing of the craters was awesome. I love being on my own at night and taking pictures. Photography and time alone restores me. WOW....just....wow.....

FEW TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE:

 I now own a pole....set it up in my house and here are a few pictures that I have. Although I'm just beginning...I LOVE IT!!! I am trying hard and the progress seems slow, but it rocks my world as far as work outs go!!! I take lessons at a local studio here and my instructor is AMAZING!! I think I started pole dancing classes for a lot of reasons and one is to try something new, 2nd is to see if I could even do anything on the damn thing.....it is MUCH harder than it looks and I was humbled when I had my first class!! My hopes are to get better and even possibly go into some dance competition. We shall see................

SPICE IT UP GIRL:

i did my hair different. it was one of those days where i look in the mirror and i am unhappy with what i see...so i said...hell....i gonna try something different and wear my hair curly. I washed it, scrunched it, gel in it, scrunched more, and took the hair dryer to it. this is the end result.....and all Jared said to me was this: "what did you do to your hair? it looks weird...." NOTE TO ALL HUSBANDS or BOYFRIENDS NEVER EVER SAY YOUR WOMAN LOOKS WEIRD.....that will NOT get you the sex that you are all dying for. i was pissed, slammed the door in his face and went to a counseling appointment where my male counselor complimented me on my new style that day. i was so thankful that someone appreciated my creativity. truly....i thought it looked cute....and i enjoyed spicing things up for a day!!