her best~

today has been a moody bleak black day for me i cannot begin to explain the frustrations that are within my being. i look within the mirror and wishful thinking asks to leave all the negativity within the glass and that which is staring back may go on with vitality and positivity. i have those days as most humans do that just frustrate you til the energy inside my brain and heart are met within my entire inner skeleton and time is the only thing that allows the frustration to vanish. control of all things is something i wish to attain....however, when one becomes a mother you relinquish control, and selfishness. one thing in this life i fail to understand is how others in this life allow themselves to judge me. i retire to bed each night asking myself what better i can do tomorrow (that is addition i would say). my best is never enough for others. when one human tells another that they are failing....what gives them the right to say: "you aren't doing your best"? there is nothing more haunting to me than wanting to please the human race that knows me. most days i fail and today was a day that was better than yesterday but it still isn't enough.....   i found some lyrics to a song that i changed up and here is how my version goes: 

she feels her pockets for her cigarettes, sometimes she forgets she gave em up.

she starts feeling like she needs a drink, cuz she knows it'll help her not to think.

And she's told herself before....what's it gonna hurt to have one more.

because it's hard to live with her regrets, but life ain't over yet so she tries her best.

she starts thinkin' that she's gonna cry, then she remembers why she gave it up....

cuz it's not worth the pain life's put her through, but it was all that she could do.

but sometimes she wants to go home, it's just too hard to feel alone. 

she's tryin to live with her regrets, cuz life ain't quite over yet.

so tomorrow comes and she tries her best and today she cries her pain away

let it out and let it go, life is life she has lil' control.... 

because it's hard to live with her regrets, but life ain't quite over yet just waitin' for her tomorrow cuz it ain't over.....

After kids I gotta:

Trying to settle down....take time to lay around and take in a few....  I have been crazy lately doing a TON of research on the computer about Dyslexia. I didn't know a lot about Dyslexia and throughout the entire year have asked my son's teacher if he had signs of it....  All I got outta her was a rude laugh as she explained he was completely normal and proceeded to tell me: "There is nothing wrong with him, I can't even imagine that he has Autism. You need to practice with him blah blah blah, I just don't understand why he can't get it we have been practicing blah blah blah all throughout the year." I left parent teacher conference with a feeling of discontent I was sick in my stomach that something wasn't right. My son had been doing his work, I had no idea why he wasn't picking up on some of these cues she was speaking of.... UNTIL I researched for days about Dyslexia.  Numerous signs were there that he indeed has it, there is absolutely no question in my mind. Jared came home and read all about it too, he was saddened and bitter that he too fit all the signs of Dyslexia as well. Throughout my marriage I have heard Jared speak of all of his struggles in reading/writing/spelling  I never really knew what Jared's true diagnosis was until we READ about it. I was sick, Jared was sick and I made many phone calls. (We have options thankfully.)  We had those who test for Dyslexia tell us that he likely has it as it is highly inherited.  We will be doing official testing for Gabe shortly.....however it is another thing that isn't covered by insurance and SADLY isn't considered a learning disability.  I went and spoke with the special education instructors at the school, her response was: "I don't know much about Dyslexia, we don't really deal with it here."  Awwww shoot me in the chest already....  Once Gabe is "officially" diagnosed I will be able to change his IEP at his school. One other option is we can apply for a scholarship and he can go to a private school here in Sandy that caters to children with Dyslexia.  I don't write this in hopes of getting people to feel sorry for me or for Gabe.... I write this because my son dislikes himself, he despises reading, writing, spelling he sweats when he reads, he is surely stressed and NOW I know why!!!! The answers were in me without even knowing the real meaning of Dyslexia. So my job now..... do what I can to just teach him a different way of reading/writing/spelling.... to do what I can to get my son to smile when he "gets it"  instead of running away feeling bad about himself....       I cry as I write this. Early treatment is key and that is all I can start with. The hardest part..... wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'  and just waiting~