Hide and Seek~

amongst the chaos that is within my being i sought to find beauty. it took only steps out my front door~
i have found the most beautiful man in the world. as these two flowers bloom and unfold so do our hearts as the minutes go by wether near or far. a pair is a beautifu thing.
pink makes me smile

within nature there is often a blur, it only validates the imperfections of humanity.

life is always in motion~

Busy days:

This is our hen house and coop that we built. We did it as cost affective as possible. It was a bigger undertaking than I thought it would be but it looks great and will be a great home for our egg laying hens. The handled door allows us to get the eggs from their nesting boxes from the outside. This other pic is of the inside nest boxes soon our hens will be in there laying eggs for us!! It has been quite cold here so this took more weekends than I wanted it to take but it is 95% done and I can say Im very proud of Jared and his many talents. Our bro in law Ian helped with it as well. Props to the men for the manly digging and building... I have props for making it look somewhat "cute." Rabbit wire had to be dug down 12" around the whole perimeter to make our hens safe from animals digging in and eating the birds. We really wanted the hen house to be safe and work long term. Im sure we will learn things the hard way but for our first build we know this will suffice.

In February we were happy to adopt our furry friend named Jack Black. He is a dwarf bunny and is very well behaved. The boys handle him all the time. He bit Zoa once when Zoa put on a bunny vest that pinched his fur and skin. I would say the bunny was justified and Zoa held no resentment. He loves his veggies and his hay. Im his favorite and he comes to me when I call him by name. He has been a great addition to our family.

Here is a pic of our chicks. They are just the cutest lil things when you first get them. We got 10 of them in February. Now they are gangly "teenagers" they have their full wings and fly around here and there. They just look a little awkward, pics coming soon of how silly they look. We purchased 4 different breeds and named them all. As they grow up to they are harder to tell apart and know who is who but we still know when we look closely. The different breeds all have their own unique personalities. I hope they start laying eggs for us in late July...but it could be much later. It has been fun adding pets to our family. The boys are gaining so much knowledge and that is priceless. :)

Chronic~

Bloody hell my back is NOT well...

I haven't slept much in a few days...

Im completely overwhelmed and ready to scream... shout...cry...

I would do whatever works at this point...

I have prayed

I have been zen

I have ignored it

I have seen orthopedic specialists & chiropractors,

I have had the deepest tissue massage that one can imagine (Rolfing)

I have had countless needles poked into me (acupuncture)

I have had a spinal steroid injection

I have endured a 38 min. MRI (Buried alive type experience ICK: Claustrophobic!)

I have cried

I have yelled

I have been mean

I have sworn

I have showered, bathed, sauna'd, sweated, shivered, iced/hot packed...

I have thrown things

I have taken countless medications and given them a true shot...

I have blamed myself and others

I have worked out (yoga, swimming, stretching, running, biking, and more)

I have sat and waited....

Today Im out of words, out of energy, out of ideas... I don't want chronic back pain to win me over....

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

I want to see even a glimpse of light at the end of my tunnel....

Intervention:

well im just a shitty and im just a bitty old whore

throw me on the dark streets

gimme all you got i knows what it is you wants

you're a dark deviled snake

puttin pills in me pockets

doin' what was prescribed

don't matta anyhow got me fuckin face down to die

cuz im just a junky

face in the gutter....doin all i gots ta do

get me all cleaned out puking my guts up

liver's lying on the floor

hearts beatin real fast, sweats drenchin me back, shivers runnin down me spine

I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT

WON'T EVER MAKE IT

just gimme a fuckin line

mind is goin TOO fast

GO pick up all that pharmacy gots~

NO! and YES!! and shut the FUCK UP!!

close the door cuz you suck

don't bother lookin in the mirror

Seein that shitty old bitty old fuckin whore

face down on the damn cold ceramic floor

can't it be another day

wanna sleep my life away

wake up when it's over PLEASE

Never wanted to be that girl!

holdin out real strong

CLEANIN' and soberin' up

din't mean to be so FUCKED

apologies are over done

No worries...

I havin ZERO fun

tick

tock

goes my

clock

one more minute down

and ONE minute to go. . . . . .

eternity never seemed so slow...

livin in the here and now

this bitch won't take a bow

other than to puke it up in my pirrty shit stained throne

glory glory be to me

fuck that shit

it's got to be

the worst damned thang ~

was it was just a dream?

WAKE up

wake up WAKE up

tick

tock

goes

my

clock.. . . .. ... ..... .. .. ..

*Raises Hand..... TEACHER~

So here I am 5 foot 2

with brown short hair

and eyes of blue

with people all up in my face

those type that don't appreciate

that kinda work I had done

ain't it time to trust someone?

So when it's time to make that IEP

don't stand right up and question me!

This is my voice he hath not got

you think you know but YOU KNOW NOT!

I am a mother I will stand

You back down or hard you'll land

Upon your face your answers tell

upon my chest my heart swells

for my son who Autism gots

You back down cuz YOU KNOW NOT!

MISS IT :(

I hurt my back badly last November (08') and am still feeling the effects from it. I have chosen the last few months to go the alternative medicine route and do Rolfing a deep tissue muscle integration therapy. Since then I haven' t worked out a bit. More than any workout in the world I miss doing all the tricks I use to be able to do on the pole. I want my back to get better so badly cuz working out like this... is SO FUN and rewarding in a way that can't be explained. I taught Jared this "flag pole" move after only a month or two.

For those of you that read my blog I don't dance, strip, use it for sexual play... I use to use it to work out and do intermediate moves on. I don't have the strength in any of my body to do what I used to. I didn't hurt my back working out on this, I actually hurt it at the gym WITH a trainer lifting TOO heavy of weights and it caused 2 discs to herniate. I want my body back. :( I had 3-4 classes with a chick who no longer teaches. The place only had spinning poles which were a blast and also crazy to work on... Easy to spin yourself on your head or to dizzy-puking... haha.. But really I may just have to get back to working out despite my common ailment and despite the pain. I think I can.. I think I can... Now I only wish I had 12-15 foot ceilings... ;)

The loss~

I am signed up on a few yahoo groups websites. Two mothers' I know of had stillborn babies within a month of one another. I read their emails. Looked at one with pictures. My heart absolutely aches for these mothers. When I saw the pic of the empty nursery and the pic of the angel in the crib.... I lost it. Truly is there anything more trying in life than losing your own baby? Full term perfect infants...with no heart beat. I don't know how these mothers were able to let that baby out of their arms. It makes me sob today. It is important for me to focus on my two lil boys. It is a blessing to me that I never miscarried or lost my babies. As hard as some days are for me with the special challenges we face...my lil ones are here with me...and now I don't want to let them go. I will try and reflect on this entry and be grateful for the days, minutes, and hours I get to spend with my little ones! My heart goes out to woman all around the world who have lost a child and my thoughts are with you. To angel baby's Elsa and Georgia may you visit your mothers often in dreams and know your mother loves you. Through their loss it has allowed me to grow and be a better mother today and always~

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW~

HOLY YUMMY!!! This is our 3rd summer at our home. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I picked in one day.... We finally got some veggies!!! I am so proud of my green thumb this year!! ALL ORGANIC, all superb tasting~ 

I love to cook mmmmmmmmm~

  here is a cake I made for Zoa it was double layer and oh so yummy. He chose the colors!! 
Homemade springrolls. I love them super spicy. They are divine!!! I just hope to forget the mess they make... and the oil flingin everywhere *ouch
These are cupcakes for Gabe's 7th birthday. They had a blast frosting all the cupcakes and using candies. But these are the ones I did because they are the only ones that looked edible. 
This is our homemade pizza all from scratch. The basil is from my own garden I will never forget how good this pizza was.....DAMN!
 Pizza in the oven. Homemade EVERYTHING from dough, to sauce~ mmmmmm 
One of my fav things to do is cook. If it's on my time and what I'm craving holy moly nothin better than a home cooked meal. My boys LOVE to help and once in awhile we take pics of our creations. I love to eat... I always wish I could eat BIG meals but I'm more of a grazer... but that equals me hungry every hour to 2 hours.... 

Such an amazing opportunity~

This is an article I was asked to be a part of for the examiner.com  it is done by Julia Hollingsworth. 

http://www.examiner.com/x-22740-Salt-Lake-City-Indie-Band-Examiner~y2009m9d5-Tiffany-H-overcoming-performance-fear